On Webkinz (which is a website where you can take care of pets) there was a contest where you had to write a story about a mischievous Pterodactyl. I wrote one then had to cut out a bunch characters (not the person kind) until I only had 1000 characters.
Here is the original (my favorite):
I’m a Pterodactyl named Misty! (To me that’s short for Mischievous!) I am a real troublemaker! I get grounded a lot! I jumped on the bed on Monday even though my mom said, “Misty, if you’re extra good tonight I will give you a cookie.”
I decided I would rather jump on the bed than get a cookie.
And then on Tuesday I got grounded for stealing all the Triceratops Crackers. I snuck out to my Triceratops friend’s (Three-Horns) house to play video games.
Oh! And there was that one time I watched a movie instead of reading a book on Wednesday. I got grounded again.
Then there was that absolutely nasty Thursday I went to the movies with Three-Horns and the new Allosaurus in town named Sharpy to watch Dawn of the Dinosaurs. But at the same time my mom came home from the grocery store and when I got home she grounded me for a whole week! Can you believe it?
On Friday I decided at the library instead of whispering I wanted to shout out a funny joke and then the librarian didn’t let me check out any more movies at the library for a week or two until I learned to use my inside voice when telling a joke.
On Saturday I used more time on the PS2 than I was allowed then I wasn’t allowed to use it with friends for another month!
Then finally on Sunday I sold my bed for $200.00 and I used that money to buy four new PS2 games. Then my mom made me sell the games back and buy the bed back and made me buy lunch with my allowance that day!
So by now you probably think I’ve learned my lesson by now, and you’re absolutely right! I have completely learned my lesson! Uh-oh. Gotta go! My mom’s yelling something and I think it’s about the ant farm I let the lid off of in the kitchen. Well see ya’!
Here is the shorter version:
I’m a Pterodactyl named Misty! I am a real troublemaker! I get grounded a lot! I jumped on the bed on Monday even though my mom said, “Misty, if you’re extra good tonight I will give you a cookie.”
I decided I would rather jump on the bed than get a cookie.
And then on Tuesday I got grounded for stealing all the crackers. I snuck out to my Triceratops friend’s (Three-Horns) house to play video games.
And there was that one time I watched a movie instead of reading a book on Wednesday. I got grounded again.
Then there was that nasty Thursday. I went to the movies with Three-Horns to watch Dawn of the Dinosaurs. Then my mom came home from the grocery store and when I got home she grounded me for a whole week!
On Friday at the library instead of whispering I shouted out a funny joke, and the librarian didn’t let me check out any more movies for a week until I learned to use my inside voice.
So by now you probably think I’ve learned my lesson by now, and you’re absolutely right! I have! Uh-oh. My mom’s yelling something. It’s about the ant farm. I let the lid off of in the kitchen. See ya!
I hope you like it!
And please post a comment saying which one you liked better!
11 comments:
I seriously LOVE this story! I like the first one even more, of course. You and I are alike in that it's easier to write more than less. LOVE it, Sweetie. And love you!
My favorite part is the part about the cookie (that you would rather jump on the bed than have a cookie). That is SO Isaac. Maybe your mischievous pterodactyl could have a mischievous friend named Isaac. Awesome story, I love it! I think I liked the first one better. I think this would make a great children's book because it helps tell the days of the week AND it's funny.
You are a natural at writing. All of these opportunities will help you to refine and polish your talent.
After reading both stories side-by-side, paragraph at a time, I have to respectfully disagree with the first two commentors. I like the second story better. There is something elegant about tight, concise storytelling.
It is frustrating, though, to have to cut out some of the really clever bits. I especially liked: ...Misty (to me that's short for Mischievous)
I'm glad you kept: I've learned my lesson (right!)but I left the lid off the ant farm. Very strong ending.
I do agree with Emily that this would be a great book for kids if you could include all of the days of the week and keep each day concise/precise.
Fantastic.
xoxox
Grandma
Kate
You will be grounded and so will your Mom if you (both) ever stop blogging. I hate to write comments but I love to read the Blogs. If you saw me type you would know why. I hunt and peck.
Great story. You were very clever with that ending about the ants. I evn started to scratch.
Love you and see you soon.
Vavo
I think you are such a great writer! You should really illustrate this story and make it into a children's book! I love how smart and witty you are; Misty is short for Mischievous?! Brilliant!
That was pretty Awesome! I think i like the second one the best but they are both very agreeable! Thanks for sharing.
I love the the longer version! I love that she weighed the choice of a cookie or jumping on the bed and decided she'd get more value from jumping on the bed. Misty could grow up to make a great economist some day!
You are so great!
Excellent editing skills! While you might not enjoy cutting your story down...it takes real talent to find the soul of your tale and keep it intact while editing. Kudos to you!
HI Kate! Sorry that I am just now commenting. I have been really busy at work, then at home, Scott is "hogging" the computer. Okay, not hogging, he is just on it for school! Good job. I think you have a great talent!
Hmmm...when it comes down to it, I liked the first one better. The more details the better for me. Great job! Love you!!
i absolutly LOVE this story!
(this is McKenzie by the way)
it`s really funny. i like the first one better though.
Keep Writing, you Great at it!
Post a Comment